Back Pain changes depending on what I am doing and the time of year, sometimes is can just be an underling dull ache of a pain slowly wearing me down to the point of exhaustion, or it could be tremendously painful especially in winter when muscles tend to seize up the my sciatic nerve inflames causing great discomfort and shooting pains from my knee all through my hip and testicles up in to my back almost debilitating with agony with every step taken.
Depression makes it very hard to get the energy or the drive to even leave the house, a feeling of uselessness, worthlessness, the world is a jungle and i'm tiny fighting my way through with a toothpick coming up against barricade after barricade until you just want to give in, give up all together.
I have been on different anti depressants from which some made me feel numb and others didn't really work at all except for the feeling that my chemicals in my body were feeling in balanced and I stopped smiling, being happy, and appreciating life or anything I have.
Anxiety is so cruel I wouldn't even use it as a torture method even though it feels like torture within it's self, the unsure feeling always lurking inside, the worry, the doubt, the fear, the uncontrollable shaking and the fist sign of a loud noise you want to run for your life. If anyone were to raise their voice I would be shaking for hours with adrenaline pumping through my veins ready to take flight or flip into a dangerous fight mode when you feel like you have nothing to loose because you feel every situation could be the last. The always worrying mind that never stops analyzing every situation, feeling and thought with every thing around you, the panic of meeting that person knowing it's a week away but panicking daily pre-thinking every scenario that might possibly happen to think of a solution for every event and action that might be taken, spending days preparing your mind so don't crumble the day before or hours before and find yourself hiding under the covers avoiding any communication so you don't have to explain your self and feel pathetically weak.
I have been on Diazapam on and off for a while which does calm the anxiety but not in a nice way more like a drowsy miserable cold wet winter days felling.
Insomnia is an ongoing issue that leaves me awake very late for many nights with my mind racing at 3000 mph and feeling unable to rest and relax making it very hard to live a normal life where I can be trusted to turn up for work and do a good job rather than standing around for days on end in a zombie like state not really understanding what is going on around me and eventually getting sacked through the insomnia and anxiety of messing up.
I have been on many tablets for my insomnia from Zopiclones to hay fever tablets which none really do a good job as dead to the world isn't always the best sleep you get waking up feeling sick from the side effect of the tablets.
ADHD can be very hard to deal with as you tend to get random rushes of adrenaline followed by drowsy tired periods always living life at the top or bottom of the scale but not comfortably in the middle where one can enjoy life without the struggle of coming down or picking yourself back up all the time, being always restless is a very uncomfortable feeling when you can never really relax always on edge and tipping off your seat unsure whether to sit back or on the edge because you know you will have to get back up to shake some energy off.
I was diagnosed with Asthma when I was a child not that I took much notice as I didn't want to let it hold me back until I started to learn that it was hindering my life causing me to become short of breath getting tired quicker and that was just the summer months, as we moved on to winter time it became very difficult to breath at times and becoming run down would only make things worse as the airways got clogged up with mucus coughing fits became the normal til the coughing and shortness of breath became so hard that you diaphragm and stomach starts to contract to the point of panic attacks and uncontrollable vomiting, I would even be told by my girlfriend that there were times in the night that I would stop breathing altogether until she shook me and startled me back into breathing again.
Ventolin blue Asthma pump seems to work quite well, not the best tasting thing but not to bad the have the right to breath back.
I was admitted to A&E after landing on the handle bars of my bicycle and bursting a hole in my stomach and getting septicemia, while I was in hospital I stopped using cannabis due to the fact i was tied down to a bed with all sorts of needles in my arms and drip bags and without any strength to move as I had a laceration down my stomach after the surgery, through this time depression came in as well as a second case of septicemia leading me in to surgery for the second time a week later, thing were all looking gloomy and dark until the 13th day in the bed just getting my strength up to walk I was rolling my girlfriend a joint to help with her sleep and she was worried for my life as things I'm sure you can imagine were really tough to go through not even sure if I would make it, so as I rolled for her a nurse happened to walk in and see but she didn't seem to worried and the three of us got chatting and we managed to convince her that it would be OK for me to go outside for a little smoke, so we went down in the lift not coping very well from the morphine pumping through my system but we got outside and started smoking and i soon felt the pain easing off the smile on both our faces and the tears of joy running down my face with the fresh sir on my face and the relief from pain the cannabis was giving me.
The next day i had a new outlook a new lease of life and i called for the doctor to be present and i told him on the the Saturday morning i will be out of here by Wednesday, still having open wounds the doctors just said to rest, that night and the next she would help me down in the lift and outside for a smoke and as I said when the doctors laughed I will be out in three days, Tuesday came and they were not sure but by Wednesday I knew my body was ready and better medicated with the cannabis I made it home on the Wednesday afternoon. Without cannabis it would have been a longer more painful stay.
I first started to realise that cannabis was helping me when I was able to go out without fear without a cloud over my head as it would lift my anxiety and depression and suppress my ADHD allowing me to feel free of the adrenaline rushes and the jittery stutter that I started to pick up at a young age through the ADHD and Anxiety.
My back is painful almost all day everyday restricting movements but with the use of cannabis it eases up my joints and muscles making moving much easier, I find that i will struggle to pick items up off the floor due to the sharp shooting pains that I would say feel like someone is driving a blunt screwdriver through your pelvis and lower back cannabis is also almost an instant effect when smoked making it very useful for pain relief and stress, you don't want to have to wait half an hour just for your pain to go so you can make a cup of tea.
With my insomnia cannabis was and is the only thing that I could use before bed and sleep all night though and even if I didn't i could use a small bit through the night and go strait back to sleep and not feel groggy in the morning unlike taking a tablet which left a cloud over you the next day. For anyone that doesn't take someone with insomnia seriously I plead you to go four days on three hours sleep and see if you can work twelve hour shifts daily in between the lack of sleep without breaking down crying going mad hallucinating from sleep deprivation. i also find it helps to open my airways and make it easier to breath.
Cannabis prohibition is crippling the people who need it, it doesn't affect the people who don't need it as they are able to work and use it here and there as they can afford to do so but being a medical patient makes it so difficult because we are dependent on using it, not addicted but dependent as without it we are unable to live a normal life.
The cost is ridiculous and I mean ridiculous as you pay so much for the smallest amount which isn't the right strain to help your problems so you can only partly control the correct help and relief you are getting.
With access to my own supply of the strains that work for me would cut out huge costs and strains on the NHS from all different prescriptions and check ups needed, also allowing me to help my own ailments, control my pain in an easy manor that doesn't include tablets that will build up and slowly damage my body.
I do not travel much nowadays due to the fear of prosecution and getting caught it is always in the back of my mind that my medication is illegal increasing my anxiety and constant worry always looking over my shoulder to make sure I am safe before I can medicate and stop the pain.
Anyone that is skeptical about cannabis use please talk to someone that understands using it and uses it on a daily basis you won't see the person unable to do anything couch locked and un-able to move, you will see the opposite when they use it, a sigh of relief, that glint in their eyes coming back to say yes I'm back to being my usual self not just this quiet shell that you see before you whimpering from the pain and suffering that they keep hidden so well.
Just because you cant see the problem doesn't mean it doesn't hold them back, that it doesn't drain on them dragging them down. Please keep your mind open and unlearn everything you think you know about cannabis because the last few decades people have lied and made up things that you all seem to believe but couldn't be so far from the truth about how dangerous it is.
People need to be able to live their life freely without the restraints of pain or disabilities that could be helped with the use of cannabis and all aspects need to be looked at, the minor aliments and the major ones because yes there is a difference between MS and Anxiety but with cannabis both parties need access not just the severe cases so we can bring a decent quality of life back to people from the illnesses the make them suffer and struggle on a daily basis.
We can also bring down the addiction rates from prescriptions and stronger drug use including alcohol and opiates also bringing crime rates down and the large amount of people we sent to prison each year destroying their lives and future prospects of continuing a normal life back in the working society not restricted by a conviction from a small amount of naturally growing plant.
The law surrounding cannabis is a ridiculous unjust law that seeks no place in today's society when cannabis has proved to have medicinal benefits just like the same government that is banning it is also producing it as a medicine for very very few of the patients needing it. How can it NOT be a medicine but still be a medicine when they want to use it?
End the pain, end the suffering, end the stigma, just help the people that need it.
Best of luck to all that is medicating, to all that live in the shadows, because they are deemed a criminal for trying to live healthily.